13 Weeks

We're officially out on Facebook! We'd already told all of our closest friends and family and things went really well at our NT scan so we decided it was time to spread the work online as well. We did so with this photo of our current child: 

Look at that handsome face!! Love him! 

I'm so glad we officially are not hiding anything from anyone! 

How far along? 13 weeks 2 days! 

Total weight gain: I can never remember what my doctor's scale says but I've been checking myself on my own scale since I found out we about our wee one. I've officially gained 3 pounds. Yikes. 

Maternity clothes? I can still wear my stretchy jeans but am using the hair tie method in order to avoid buttoning them. I am wearing maternity jeans on occasion and just ordered a few more tops from target as I am in that "is she/isn't she" stage and it makes me self conscious so I still like to hide that area if possible.

Stretch marks? nope
Sleep: Wonderfully!
Best moment this week: I made it to 2nd tri! I know some people say 2nd tri is 13w3d and some people say it's 14 weeks but I say it's 13 weeks and I made it!!!!
Miss Anything? I am not even about to pretend I don't miss alcohol. I wasn't a big drinker but I definitely enjoyed my glass of wine/beer. I miss Pacifico, margaritas, wine, SANGRIA!! I wasn't really even a huge sangria drinker prior to pregnancy but that's all I can think about now. I'm considering making some with the alcohol free wine.
Movement: Not yet! I can't wait to start feeling it! Some of the girls on my bump facebook page have started feeling it and I hope I start feeling it soon! I love listening to his/her heartbeat on the doppler and hearing her move around!!! 
Food cravings: No cravings to acknowledge other than Sangria.  
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing in particular making me nauseous and I am hoping and praying that Satuday (13 weeks) was my last day of nausea. I was feeling really lousy, like back to how I was feeling weeks 6-9. Yuck.
Gender: 11 more days until we find out for sure!
Labor Signs: No!
Symptoms: Some nausea, bloat, potty problems, peeing a lot, exhaustion! 
Belly Button in or out? Innie!! 

Wedding rings on or off? On and loose!
Happy or Moody most of the time: Still super happy! Getting kind of emotional too.
Looking forward to: Our 3D gender scan is in 11 days! Anatomy scan is in about a month!! 

Is it too early to start wishing is was November?!

12 weeks 2 days

I haven't been very good about posting weekly bump updates and I haven't taken any bump pictures yet but I am going to start. Soon!!! Here's what I should have posted on Saturday!

How far along? 12 weeks 2 days! 

Total weight gain: Although I feel like I've gained 10 pounds, no weight gain yet. 

Maternity clothes? Maternity pants (so much more comfortable) and I ordered some tops but am sending them back because I don't love them. I'm running out of flowy tops to wear! 

Stretch marks? no
Sleep: Sleeping very well aside from getting up to pee 3-4 times a night!
Best moment this week: We had out NT scan today and the tech said everything looked great! We should get the bloodwork back in just a few days. It was awesome getting to see our little boy/girl moving around. We even got a wave! The tech said that if she HAD to guess she'd guess we were having a little girl. Just a few more weeks until we find out for sure! :)
Miss Anything? I just found out today I can't eat brats and I'm already missing them. Also, we went to a graduation part over the weekend and Sangria was served so I miss that and margaritas too!
Movement: No movement yet, I did find out that I have an posterior placenta so the tech said that is good for being able to feel movement sooner! I can't wait!!
Food cravings: Cravings have been lasting about 10 seconds right now so if I can't get a milkshake, cookie, chicken fried rice within that time frame it's over and usually ends up sounding kind of gross. I guess that's not a bad thing.  
Anything making you queasy or sick: Still feeling a little nauseous at night but it's tons better than it has been!
Gender: Elective gender scan is scheduled for 5/17! A few more weeks and we'll know!
Labor Signs: No!
Symptoms: Slight nausea and exhaustion are the most prominent right now. I've had a few headaches lately which I've heard pop up in second tri. 

Belly Button in or out? Innie!! 

Wedding rings on or off? On and loose!
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy 90% of the time!
Looking forward to: Our gender scan in 3 weeks and our anatomy scan in June! 

Here are some pictures we got today: 


Baby D waving to us! <3


According to the Nub Theory Baby D's nub is not at an angle (it's parallel to where his/her spine would be) this apparently means it's a girl! If it was pointed up it would be a boy! According to google the nub theory is 75% accurate :)

10 weeks 4 days

Well, now that it's been over a month since my last post, let me just tell you my reasoning behind not posting. Morning Sickness. Plain and simple. It's not fun. It's worse than I ever could have imagined. I always knew m/s would be a possibility upon getting pregnant, but for some reason I just always thought that maybe I'd get lucky and get skipped over since I've prayed and prayed and prayed that I wouldn't have morning sickness ever since I knew I wanted to become a mom (and found out that morning sickness is a real thing).

Most of you probably don't know but I have this huge irrational fear of vomit. I know 99% of the world think it's gross but my fears just go way beyond that. I want no part of it. It's so bad that when I go into the bathroom at work I have to quickly glance under all the stalls to see which way the feet are pointed before I fully walk into the bathroom. So anyway, I thought that with this huge aversion to vomit, I'd get lucky and not suffer through morning sickness. No such luck.

I will say weeks 6, 7, and 8 were the absolute worse. I even cried to my boss so she'd let me work from home for one measly day. I don't cry at work. Ever. I think I'm slowly starting to feel better but I do still have my off days. I'm really looking forward to finally getting past this so I can fully enjoy pregnancy.

I had an appointment back on 4/1 and we got to see our little one's heartbeat which was such a relief. We ended up telling our friends/immediate family at that point at well. I was 8w2d at the time and we felt that they should know just in case we ended up having to cancel plans at the last minute if I wasn't feeling well.

My next appointment is on 4/29, I'll be 12w2d and we actually have the NT Scan first and then immediately after we head to my doctor's office where we will get to hear the heartbeat. I actually ordered an Angelsounds Fetal Doppler from Amazon and got it yesterday. We searched for about an hour to find the heartbeat with no success. We thought we found it but it seemed really low so after some research we discovered that was actually my own heartbeat in an artery near my uterus. :) I tried it again today after work and finally found that quick beating heart! It made it feel so much more real to be able to hear the heartbeat of the little baby that's growing inside of me! I'm definitely excited for the hubs to get home to try and find it again!

I'll hopefully be starting my chalkboard weekly updates soon but each time I think I'm ready to get creative with it I start feeling sick and lounging on the couch just seems so much better. There's no bump right now anyway, just a little bloat. Maybe week 11 or 12 will be a good start!

Thanks for listening to my long update today! Hopefully it won't be so long in between posts next time! :)

First Appointment

I had my first appointment on Wednesday and aside from the almost hour wait in the waiting room it went well!

The wait made me really nervous because I already wasn't sure of what to expect. When they finally called us back I peed in a cup, got my weight and blood pressure and was immediately taken into the ultrasound room!

While waiting for the doctor Matt suggested we take a picture of me holding the internal ultrasound camera and send the pic to our families as our announcement. Men.

The appointment was pretty quick. Dr. B did an ultrasound and measured me at about 5w5d although I decided I was going to keep my 5w3d time frame. We saw the sac and Dr. B said she thought she saw the fetal pole which made me really excited! Because she's just estimating 5w3d right now I'll go back on April 1 for another ultrasound! Ahh! So exciting. Definitely trying to find things to do to pass the time for the next 2 weeks!

After work on Wednesday I went to dinner with two of my best girlfriends. They are the sweetest girls in the entire world and bought me gifts! My friend Kelli got me baby pajamas in different sizes and colors and they are oh-so-soft!!! Love them! Chelsea got me diapers and wipes and also gave me a few maternity items. I have the best friends a girl could ask for!

I'll leave you with an ultrasound picture - time to get the cheesecake out of the oven!!

5 Weeks

Today I am 5 weeks pregnant. I still don't think it's fully hit me. I. Am. Pregnant! I've only said those words out loud a few times, and I love hearing it every single time. I'm not sure if it'll ever get old.

I don't feel any different yet aside from the many pee breaks I've been taking. I always thought it was weird when newly pregnant women claimed to have to pee a lot because I thought that didn't start happening until the baby was bigger and was pushing down on your bladder. Boy was I wrong.

I have had a few bouts of nausea which I can't complain about (yet) because they've been so light and easy to manage. I'm a little more tired than I normally am, but other than that I feel great/normal!

I have yet to step away from the pee sticks and temping and to be honest with you, I have NO idea why I'm still temping. I guess I'll stop after my first appointment. I still have a TON of pee sticks though so I feel like I have to use them up :) Maybe I'll stop those after my first appointment also.

Speaking of appointments, I have an appointment tomorrow morning at 8am for a blood draw and lots of information from the nurse and on Wednesday I have my first appointment with my doctor! I'm really excited for both but can hardly contain my excitement for my Wednesday appointment. I have NO idea what happens at that appointment, I can only hope for an ultrasound - even though it will be too early to see a baby - I'd still love to see the sac and make sure everything is in the right place! I'm assuming my appointments got scheduled so early because they are using my LMP which would put me at just over 6 weeks, I know this isn't correct and my doctor will realize that soon too, but hey, I'll take it!!

Remember When I Said...

On to cycle 7? Well. I was wrong.

I am in complete and total shock right now. I definitely thought I was out when I started spotting on Tuesday. I started to get slightly hopeful on Monday after I got my blood drawn. I went back to work and though out the day I had what I can only describe as a fluttering/muscle spasm sensation in the area where my uterus is. I didn't think I was pregnant because of this muscle spasm like feeling, I just thought it was strange that I'd never felt that before. My boobs were still hurting and I thought they'd be back to normal at that point too so that was giving me a little hope. And then on Tuesday I started spotting and was preparing for cycle 7.

Still thinking that I'm out and preparing for the spotting to continue I went to work on Wednesday but noticed that I didn't really spot at all. I still thought that we were done. Thursday I had just a little spotting and on Friday it was pretty much back to nothing. I thought that was weird but again, I still thought that we were on to the next cycle.

This morning I got up to temp and my temp went up just ever so slightly. Normally it's on a downward spiral so I laid in bed for 30 minutes debating whether or not I would take a test. Finally I just decided to do it because I've seen negative tests before and I already thought it wasn't my cycle so I thought I wouldn't be too disappointed by a negative test. I PIAC and dipped a Wondfo. After about a minute I wasn't seeing anything so I dumped the rest of the pee. I came back to the Wondfo and there was just the faintest of faint lines. I took a picture of it and was going to send it to my BFF Kelli just to make sure I wasn't seeing things. I thought better of it though because it was 6am and her daughter had a tummy bug yesterday and I knew she'd either be sleeping or just plain exhausted. By the time the 5 minute mark rolled around there was no question as to whether or not a line was there. I was mad that I dumped the rest of my pee because I couldn't confirm on a FRER.

Now I'm sitting on the bathroom floor in shock. There's a line. I am pregnant. How do I tell Matt? Do I do what I've been planning, wrap the onesie and books I'd purchased months ago and send him on his scavenger hunt? Would he know something was up? He'd fallen asleep on the couch watching TV last night so I grabbed the Wondfo, went down stairs, sat on the edge of the couch, tapped him until he woke up, and said, "What are you doing?" He groggily woke up and said, "Huh? I'm sleeping. What does it look like I'm doing?"

I explained to him that I temped earlier that morning and that my temperature went up when I was fully expecting it to go down. He still not fully awake just agreed with me that it was strange. I told him that I took a test and that it had two lines. He opened his eyes and said, "Two lines on the pregnancy test? Are you sure?" He turned on the light and I handed him the test. Two lines!!

I still am having a hard time believing it. The only "symptoms" I currently have are sore boobs and have been peeing like crazy, but that's normal for me so I try not to count that.

According to FF my EDD is 11/10/13.

AHHHH! Is this real?!

Ugh. It's Back

The dreaded spotting, that is. It showed up yesterday morning. And it was literally just a spot. All day long. I considered not even marking it on my chart but I did because I figure it will be important someday. Then there was nothing today. Zip, zero, zilch. What's up with that?

My normal pattern is very light spotting in the mornings and almost nothing in the afternoons - I have NO idea why this is, but i think it's weird - actually I think the whole spotting situation is weird, but it's even more weird that it's only in the morning for the first few days. Ok, so anyway, light spotting in the mornings for the first 2-3 days then normally it's pretty consistent spotting all day for the next 2-3 days. It's still pretty light, but it's there.

You can imagine how my day was yesterday. I wasn't sad. I was just pissed. I can't even tell you why I was pissed because there is NO way in my mind that I didn't think this was coming. It's been happening for the last 7 months so why would it just magically go away now!? On to cycle 7.

Also, I got my progesterone results back and they were at 8.08 at 8dpo. My doctor emailed me and said this is a "very normal" level and is consistent with ovulation. I just need to point out that I already know I ovulated. I wasn't concerned about that. That's not why I was getting my progesterone levels tested in the first place. I want need to know why I'm spotting and if it's a problem in trying to have a baby. Not to mention, I googled what normal progesterone levels should be and 8 was borderline to low. That doesn't seem "very normal" to me. Dr. B wants me to make a follow up appointment with her to discuss. Blah.

Ok, last complaint and then I'm done. Work sucked today. I mentioned (I think) that we are going through a lot of changes at work and my department just keeps getting crushed with things no one else wants to do. It's not in our job description, we never did any of this before, there are other departments that actually do this work, yet my manager has a problem telling people no, so we get stuck with it when people ask.

Here's to hoping that CD1 comes and goes quickly and that the rest of this week flies by. I'm ready for the weekend!

Feeling Discouraged

Today I'm feeling discouraged because I haven't been able to get excited about this cycle. I was excited up until O day and ever since then I've just been feeling like I'm out before the race has even started.

It's hard to tell if it's better to be discouraged from the get go, or if it's better to get your hopes up and be let down at 10dpo, or CD1. They both suck, but I guess in the end it's less painful to think it was never going to happen from the start. I just hate living my life this way. I want to be hopeful that maybe just maybe I could get pregnant this month.

Why can't I take the fact that I have painfully sore boobs this cycle (more so than any other cycle) and run with it! That could be an early pregnancy symptom. It should be giving me hope, right? Well it's not. I'm trying to ignore "symptoms" now more than I ever have before. I absolutely loathe the Pregnancy Monitor on FF. It's just part of the game. I don't want to play the game anymore.

Love of My Life

I don't have much to share today.

Just this.

Perfection.

Happy Wednesday :)

Finally! O and Dr B No Longer Being a B

I just need one more high temp to confirm but I think it's safe to say I ovulated on CD22. A little late for me but I had my usual 2 days of positive OPK's followed by a temp spike on Monday morning. Good news! I know a lot of people ovulate later in their cycles but I was starting to get a little worried considering the latest I've ovulated is CD19 in the past.

My doctor emailed me last week and said that my progesterone levels I had drawn on 2/13 were not compatible with ovulation. Duh. I explained to her that I tried to call the office and reschedule but the nurses just weren't havin' it. I asked if she wanted me to come in when my chart says I'm 7dpo and she agreed that this would be a good idea. At least I feel like people are starting to listen to me. I know she sees many many patients a day but I know my body (or at least I know it better than she does) and I'm glad that she's finally listening to what I have to say about my charts. 7dpo will be Sunday so I'll head in on Monday and hopefully have my results the next day so I can schedule a follow up with her if needed.

I don't have many thoughts or feelings about this cycle yet. I am just not sure what to make of it. I want to be hopeful but then I wonder if there's even any point in thinking that I might actually be pregnant this cycle. I'm thinking the one good thing about this cycle is that at the end of it (pregnant or not) it will be March. That means we're finally getting closer to spring and warm weather!

Freaking out a little

I'm blogging from my phone this morning so I hope this doesn't get weird.

I normally get positive OPK's on CD 17 and 18 and ovulate on CD 18 or 19. I'm just kind of stressing out about this a little bit. I know it's very possible that maybe I missed my LH surge,
although I have been testing 3 times a day. I have other signs of ovulation so I am trying to keep that in mind and I think it's helping
a little bit.

Really hoping and praying that today is O day!!

Dear Doctor...

Dear Dr. B,

I thought we were on good terms. I thought you were starting to understand my cycles. So why today when I called your office to tell them that I haven't ovulated -and don't think I should still come in for a 7dpo progesterone draw- did your office staff seem so confused? "Dr. B has very strict orders for you to come in tomorrow. Dr. B says your cycles are 32 days and you need to come in and have your blood drawn tomorrow," they tell me. Are you sure she wants me to come in tomorrow if I haven't even ovulated? I don't think that's going to accomplish much, I tell them.

I'm so disappointed in you, Dr. B. I thought we had something good going! You looked at my charts. You liked them! How did you miscalculate this so horribly? Please rectify.

Sincerely,
Mandy

Clearly I'm having issues with my doctor's office. They want me to come in tomorrow to have my blood drawn per my doctor's work up. They don't seem to understand that having my blood drawn before I ovulate isn't going to do anything. Dr. B would understand, if I could just get in touch with her to tell her this! The nurse told me that if my results come back and indicate that I haven't ovulated I could come back in later in the month and do it again. Great! Just wanted I wanted, to spend 2 of my lunch breaks getting my blood drawn and spending money on another blood draw when I know the first one isn't needed!

Also, I haven't gotten a positive OPK yet. Normally I get them on CD 17 which is today. That makes me nervous and stresses me out. I can't remember if I have a fade in pattern on my OPKs or not. I'm guessing not because I think if I did I would remember. I'm definitely going to be testing a ton in the next few days just because it will make me feel better and I have the OPKs to spare.

My Chart Makes Me Nervous

My chart this cycle is really really making me nervous and I can't quite put my finger on why that is. It may have something to do with 2 really high temps (wine nights)!!! But it's also just a lot more up and down than it normally is.




So I guess I've had more ups and downs on previous charts but these look a lot more drastic than my other pre-o temps.

My FW is coming up and for some reason I'm really nervous that I'm not going to ovulate when I normally do (CD 18 or 19). I am trying not to get too worked up about this because I think this is how I normally feel around this time in my cycle.

We're going to stick with every other day sex since we tried a few months of sex every day and nothing happened. We'll keep doing that until after my chart confirms ovulation. Here's to hoping I O on Valentine's Day! That has to be a sign, right? :)

Still Waiting to O?!

I know I'm only on CD 11 but I feel like time is going by incredibly slow. I think it has something to do with me starting to feel hopeful this cycle (more hopeful than normal.. yikes). That and the fact that I am just really over winter. I want green grass, blue skies, warm weather, and sunshine!

I always thought January was the longest month ever. Now I'm starting to think it's February. I also am wondering if waiting to O is taking this long, how long is the 2WW going to feel.

I also am trying to hone in on why I am feeling more hopeful this cycle than other cycles. I am trying to bring it down a notch or two as I don't want to get too outta control as that will mean a bigger let down on CD 1 (or 10dpo) if when the dreaded spotting returns. 

The other thing I am loving about this cycle... I think my skin is finally starting to calm down a little bit. Probably since September or October I have been getting horrible break outs on my back/jaw area. I don't just mean a little pimple here or there. I am talking painful cystic like acne on both sides of my mouth. Nothing I tried worked to get rid of it even just a little bit. It got to the point where I seriously considered going back on birth control because I felt so self conscious about it.

I started noticing at the end of last cycle it was subsiding a little bit. Right now I have a few smaller pimples in that same area but nothing like the big painful ones that were there before. I also am still dealing with the red marks left over from a few months ago. I bought the Clinique Acne Solutions Post Blemish Formula. I haven't noticed a difference yet, but some of the reviews I read said they didn't notice a difference until after using a full 2 tubes. I just started using the 2nd tube today.

I hope it works. I also think tanning may help but I don't want to get skin cancer just to get rid of some acne spots on my face. So tanning is out.

Sometimes I wonder if the acne and the spotting is my body still regulating after birth control. I wish I knew the answer to this question because I really feel like it would help me relax a little bit.

Today Was Hard...

Not for TTC but for a Monday, and for work, it was hard. I really enjoy my job but January/February are definitely the busiest times of the year for my company. We're also going through a lot of changes at work and some of them are difficult to deal with. I just have to try to roll with the punches. Tomorrow is a new day.

On the TTC front, I am looking forward to this cycle. It's always a struggle not to get my hopes up, but it's already happening this time. I'm really trying hard to ignore the 2 articles I just read on Google that say on average a couple in their 20's timing sex for their fertile window will conceive within 4 months. Google is not all that smart, ya know!

Fingers crossed for cycle 6! 

When I Get My BFP

Will I look back at all of these months of trying and realize how each failed attempt was not the "right" cycle for us to conceive? I've been asking myself that a lot lately just to see if it might help cool the sting of a BFN but it's just not happening for me right now. I can't see any reason why any of the previous months were not right for us.

It's so much easier to look at each cycle and think about why this is a great month, or why this should be our month. I guess I'm looking too much into the signs that aren't actually signs in the end.

I thought August could be our month because that would have led to a spring baby - 6 weeks off work in early summer? Sign me up.

September was the same thing, I had planned to have a spring summer baby, so this had to be it.

October signs were there. My due date would have been July 4th, and that's my absolute favorite holiday.

I thought November was IT! because my due date would have been on my mom's birthday.

December was perfect because I would probably have gotten a BFP on Christmas morning.

I ovulated on my birthday in January (weird that I'm taking that as a sign, I know and may that was a sign. I also would have been about 20 weeks at our 1 year anniversary and took that as a sign. Perfect time to find out the sex of our baby... see another sign!

Now I'm looking to reasons why February just has to be it for us. I should ovulate around Valentine's Day. This'll be the best Valentine's Day my husband's ever had. A baby would still be born in November which is plenty of time for me to take maternity leave and be back to work before the shit hits the fan in January. I'll hit the 2nd trimester right around our 1st anniversary so we could somehow incorporate that into however we decide to tell our families.

And now I need to stop. I really am trying not to get my hopes up too high about this cycle, but I also don't feel like I should have to live in a world full of negativity. My husband always says, "just keep telling yourself that it's not going to happen this time. That way when it doesn't you won't be as disappointed and if it does you'll be surprised because you won't be expecting it!" Ok, 1.) I don't want to think that way and it's still going to be disappointing, and b.) I'm going to be surprised no matter what and although I'm not expecting it per say, I do have high hopes each month that this will be it.  

Every Storm (Runs Out of Rain)

Today while driving to work I was listening to the radio and this song by Gary Allan came on. I feel like this song describes how I feel every time I start spotting or every time CD 1 rolls around. I'm sad for a little bit but then begin to become hopeful for the upcoming cycle. This song makes me feel hopeful and excited for our baby to be. It definitely boosted my mood today. Until I got to work. And had to work. :)

The chorus is my favorite part: 

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

Also, my sister-in-law, brother-in-law, and nephew are moving back home today from Chicago! I love having them home to visit so I am REALLY looking forward to them being here forever!! 

Just Call Me Spotty McSpotterson

This post is dedicated to my spotting woes. I spot for about 5-6 days before my period starts. This happens every. single. cycle. Without fail.

It's been happening since my first real cycle off BC. I thought that I was supposed to be starting my period since it appeared as though my cycles were going to be about 28-29 days after coming off of birth control. When I first noticed the spotting I thought it was implantation bleeding. I mean, why wouldn't it be? It was only our first cycle trying and I had every other pregnancy symptom in the book. So I thought it was implantation bleeding and actually knowing nothing about implantation bleeding I thought it would go away the next day, I'd take a pregnancy test a few days later and be on my merry way. Nope! It came back the next day and the next day. AND THE NEXT DAY! I started to think that something was seriously wrong with me (I thought I was dying, dramatic much?). After 5 days of this nonsense I was over it. My husband came home to me crying (ugly crying) on the couch one day, convinced that something was wrong and we couldn't have kids. I started my period the next day. I was never so relieved to start my period, and so embarrassed of being so dumb in my whole life.

After that cycle I decided that I would not be living in the world of waiting-to-see-what-happens. I immediately started charting and using OPK's. What a relief. So the next cycle, knowing that I've ovulated, enjoying my 2WW, 9dpo rolls around. Bam. Spotting. This time I think maybe, just maybe it could be implantation spotting because Google told me that implantation spotting is most likely to happen at 9dpo. It came back the next day.

Same story for cycle 3 of TTC. This time it started at 10dpo and that's where it's been ever since. I always trick myself into thinking that it's not going to happen yet it always shows up. Right. On. Time. After cycle 3 I emailed my doctor just to let her know it was happening and to see what her thoughts were. She wasn't overly concerned and thought it should go away over time.

I was really excited for cycle 4, this was the cycle of the sex-a-thon. 11 days. In a row. With that much sex, how can you not get pregnant? My test date - according to Fertility Friend - would be December 25th. So excited that I would get my BFP on Christmas morning!! No other gift would ever top this gift, I thought! December 20th started out like any other day. It was a Thursday, we were having our holiday luncheon at work, I felt like I was on top of my game because I'd completed my Christmas shopping already (normally it's not done until 12/24). Then I get to work and realize that my arch nemesis has arrived. I don't know why it got to me so much that cycle. I think I was starting to realize that it wasn't going to go away like my doctor suggested it might. I was really starting to feel like this wasn't normal. I struggled to make it through the work day and just started bawling as soon as I walked into my house. I ugly cried to my husband again. This is not good. He's so supportive and amazing and it's so embarrassing that I can't keep my shit together and just NOT ugly cry in front of him...over this.

So I emailed my doctor again just to let her know it was still going on. I asked if maybe there could be an issue with my progesterone levels (Google. Duh). Dr. B seemed concerned enough over this issue to want me to come in for some testing. She said to come in on CD21 to have my progesterone levels drawn. I mentioned to her that I don't ovulate on CD14 and asked if she wanted me to come in at 7dpo. She said that CD21 would be fine as long as I had ovulated by then. Hmm. So I go get my blood drawn (I'm only 3dpo) and get my results back the next day. 4.08. I make a follow up appointment with Dr. B. She says that my levels are low but they do indicate ovulation. I told her that I was only 3dpo when I had my blood drawn. She looks at my like I have 2 heads. I tell her that I normally ovulate between CD 16-19 and this time it just so happened to be on CD 18. She says, "Oh, no. That's too late. You probably ovulate on CD 14 or 15." I show her my charts. "Oh, you do ovulate later. Ok." So she says she'd like to see my progesterone levels higher but that since we did the testing too early she wants me to come in next cycle at 7dpo (she's trusting my charts now) and re-do it. I left feeling... ok... I was mad at myself for not communicating to her more strongly that I do ovulate later and that I should come in at 7dpo and not CD21. But, what's done is done. I'm relieved that I can get my blood drawn again and that I should have a more definitive answer this cycle. .

Oh, by the way, the spotting started at 10dpo on cycle 5 as well. And I ugly cried again.

So here we are at cycle 6. Waiting to ovulate. Waiting for 7dpo. Waiting for spotting. I feel like I'm already out for this cycle too since my follow up will most likely be after 10 dpo so even if Dr. B did want to do anything about this issue my spotting will have already started. I'm not even going to pretend like it's not going to happen this cycle. I don't want to pretend that maybe this cycle will be different. My body is going to have to prove me wrong.

Regrets?

I try to live my life positively, and without regrets so when my husband, Matt, asked me the other day if there was anything I regretted or wished we had done differently in our TTC journey so far I didn't want to admit that yes, there is something I regret, and I do wish we had done something differently. Just one thing though.

I wish that I had gone off of birth control a lot earlier than I did. It's so deeply ingrained into a person that if you go off birth control you're going to end up pregnant. Although I had an inkling that it wouldn't happen for Matt and I right away, we didn't want to chance it, we wanted to start trying in the fall and that was that. We decided after we got married that I would stay on birth control for the remainder of the summer. I would have one last summer of fun and Matt could relax knowing we wouldn't be having a baby before we truly planned.

Knowing what I know now, I would have gone off birth control the day after our wedding. I could have started charting in order to avoid and all would have been well. At the end of the day it truly wouldn't have been a big deal to either of us if we had gotten pregnant earlier than we planned. There was no rhyme or reason to staying on birth control, or trying to prevent. We had talked it over before we got married and decided that the fall would lead to a spring or summer baby and that's what we wanted. Turns out, when you are TTC it doesn't actually matter what season you have a baby. All that matters is that you have a baby.

So there you have it folks, my one regret over the last 9 months. :)

And So It Begins...

I kept telling myself that I would start a blog if we made it to cycle 6 and weren't pregnant. We got married in May and decided we would start trying in the fall. "In the fall" turned into August (that's 'fall' enough, right?) because I think deep down I knew it wasn't going to happen for us right away which made me anxious. I just couldn't wait any longer and thankfully hubby was on board. I really wanted a spring/summer baby so we thought this was a good time to start.

I said before that I didn't think it would happen for us right away but I had hoped I was just telling myself that so that when it did happen right away I'd be really surprised. No such luck. With each passing month you can't help but feel like it's not going to happen and that something is definitely wrong because you don't know anyone (IRL) who had to try for more than 2 months to get pregnant. For the record, I know it's possible absolutely nothing is wrong, I'm just saying, this is what it feels like each month for me.

We decided I would stop using birth control in mid July and we would start trying in August. I've never been more excited for anything in my whole life. We are so ready to bring a life into this world and be the best parents. When it didn't happen that cycle I thought fine, how many people does it really happen for on the first try anyway?! We wanted to take the "just do it and see what happens approach" before we started using OPK's (Ovulation Predictor Kits) and charting my BBT (Basal Body Temperature). After the August cycle I decided that living in the world of waiting to see what happens just wasn't for me. I happily logged on to Amazon purchased some OPK's and a BBT. No more living in the world of the unknown.

I think some people are hesitant to start charting or using OPK's because they feel as though it may cause them more stress, who needs more stress during this crazy process? For me though, it doesn't stress me out. It actually makes me feel more at ease. I like knowing exactly when I can test, or when I am to expect my period (or not -hopefully), and also when I can expect the dreaded spotting to start (this deserves a post of it's own). I was obsessed with charting at first, checking my chart at random points during the day as if something might change without me inputting any new information. Hehe, I'm not like this anymore though I do find charting pretty interesting!

Our goal is to get so good at charting that I never have to go back on hormonal birth control ever again. So glad hubs agrees with this as well. I can't help but feel like maybe being on birth control has caused some of these issues I think I have (real or not real).

So here I am on CD 1 of cycle 6. Wishing & hoping & thinking & praying that maybe this is our lucky month and maybe just maybe this will turn into a pregnancy blog instead of a TTC blog. Fingers crossed.