Will I look back at all of these months of trying and realize how each failed attempt was not the "right" cycle for us to conceive? I've been asking myself that a lot lately just to see if it might help cool the sting of a BFN but it's just not happening for me right now. I can't see any reason why any of the previous months were not right for us.
It's so much easier to look at each cycle and think about why this is a great month, or why this should be our month. I guess I'm looking too much into the signs that aren't actually signs in the end.
I thought August could be our month because that would have led to a spring baby - 6 weeks off work in early summer? Sign me up.
September was the same thing, I had planned to have a spring summer baby, so this had to be it.
October signs were there. My due date would have been July 4th, and that's my absolute favorite holiday.
I thought November was IT! because my due date would have been on my mom's birthday.
December was perfect because I would probably have gotten a BFP on Christmas morning.
I ovulated on my birthday in January (weird that I'm taking that as a sign, I know and may that was a sign. I also would have been about 20 weeks at our 1 year anniversary and took that as a sign. Perfect time to find out the sex of our baby... see another sign!
Now I'm looking to reasons why February just has to be it for us. I should ovulate around Valentine's Day. This'll be the best Valentine's Day my husband's ever had. A baby would still be born in November which is plenty of time for me to take maternity leave and be back to work before the shit hits the fan in January. I'll hit the 2nd trimester right around our 1st anniversary so we could somehow incorporate that into however we decide to tell our families.
And now I need to stop. I really am trying not to get my hopes up too high about this cycle, but I also don't feel like I should have to live in a world full of negativity. My husband always says, "just keep telling yourself that it's not going to happen this time. That way when it doesn't you won't be as disappointed and if it does you'll be surprised because you won't be expecting it!" Ok, 1.) I don't want to think that way and it's still going to be disappointing, and b.) I'm going to be surprised no matter what and although I'm not expecting it per say, I do have high hopes each month that this will be it.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Every Storm (Runs Out of Rain)
Today while driving to work I was listening to the radio and this song by Gary Allan came on. I feel like this song describes how I feel every time I start spotting or every time CD 1 rolls around. I'm sad for a little bit but then begin to become hopeful for the upcoming cycle. This song makes me feel hopeful and excited for our baby to be. It definitely boosted my mood today. Until I got to work. And had to work. :)
The chorus is my favorite part:
Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain
Also, my sister-in-law, brother-in-law, and nephew are moving back home today from Chicago! I love having them home to visit so I am REALLY looking forward to them being here forever!!
The chorus is my favorite part:
Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain
Also, my sister-in-law, brother-in-law, and nephew are moving back home today from Chicago! I love having them home to visit so I am REALLY looking forward to them being here forever!!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Just Call Me Spotty McSpotterson
This post is dedicated to my spotting woes. I spot for about 5-6 days before my period starts. This happens every. single. cycle. Without fail.
It's been happening since my first real cycle off BC. I thought that I was supposed to be starting my period since it appeared as though my cycles were going to be about 28-29 days after coming off of birth control. When I first noticed the spotting I thought it was implantation bleeding. I mean, why wouldn't it be? It was only our first cycle trying and I had every other pregnancy symptom in the book. So I thought it was implantation bleeding and actually knowing nothing about implantation bleeding I thought it would go away the next day, I'd take a pregnancy test a few days later and be on my merry way. Nope! It came back the next day and the next day. AND THE NEXT DAY! I started to think that something was seriously wrong with me (I thought I was dying, dramatic much?). After 5 days of this nonsense I was over it. My husband came home to me crying (ugly crying) on the couch one day, convinced that something was wrong and we couldn't have kids. I started my period the next day. I was never so relieved to start my period, and so embarrassed of being so dumb in my whole life.
After that cycle I decided that I would not be living in the world of waiting-to-see-what-happens. I immediately started charting and using OPK's. What a relief. So the next cycle, knowing that I've ovulated, enjoying my 2WW, 9dpo rolls around. Bam. Spotting. This time I think maybe, just maybe it could be implantation spotting because Google told me that implantation spotting is most likely to happen at 9dpo. It came back the next day.
Same story for cycle 3 of TTC. This time it started at 10dpo and that's where it's been ever since. I always trick myself into thinking that it's not going to happen yet it always shows up. Right. On. Time. After cycle 3 I emailed my doctor just to let her know it was happening and to see what her thoughts were. She wasn't overly concerned and thought it should go away over time.
I was really excited for cycle 4, this was the cycle of the sex-a-thon. 11 days. In a row. With that much sex, how can you not get pregnant? My test date - according to Fertility Friend - would be December 25th. So excited that I would get my BFP on Christmas morning!! No other gift would ever top this gift, I thought! December 20th started out like any other day. It was a Thursday, we were having our holiday luncheon at work, I felt like I was on top of my game because I'd completed my Christmas shopping already (normally it's not done until 12/24). Then I get to work and realize that my arch nemesis has arrived. I don't know why it got to me so much that cycle. I think I was starting to realize that it wasn't going to go away like my doctor suggested it might. I was really starting to feel like this wasn't normal. I struggled to make it through the work day and just started bawling as soon as I walked into my house. I ugly cried to my husband again. This is not good. He's so supportive and amazing and it's so embarrassing that I can't keep my shit together and just NOT ugly cry in front of him...over this.
So I emailed my doctor again just to let her know it was still going on. I asked if maybe there could be an issue with my progesterone levels (Google. Duh). Dr. B seemed concerned enough over this issue to want me to come in for some testing. She said to come in on CD21 to have my progesterone levels drawn. I mentioned to her that I don't ovulate on CD14 and asked if she wanted me to come in at 7dpo. She said that CD21 would be fine as long as I had ovulated by then. Hmm. So I go get my blood drawn (I'm only 3dpo) and get my results back the next day. 4.08. I make a follow up appointment with Dr. B. She says that my levels are low but they do indicate ovulation. I told her that I was only 3dpo when I had my blood drawn. She looks at my like I have 2 heads. I tell her that I normally ovulate between CD 16-19 and this time it just so happened to be on CD 18. She says, "Oh, no. That's too late. You probably ovulate on CD 14 or 15." I show her my charts. "Oh, you do ovulate later. Ok." So she says she'd like to see my progesterone levels higher but that since we did the testing too early she wants me to come in next cycle at 7dpo (she's trusting my charts now) and re-do it. I left feeling... ok... I was mad at myself for not communicating to her more strongly that I do ovulate later and that I should come in at 7dpo and not CD21. But, what's done is done. I'm relieved that I can get my blood drawn again and that I should have a more definitive answer this cycle. .
Oh, by the way, the spotting started at 10dpo on cycle 5 as well. And I ugly cried again.
So here we are at cycle 6. Waiting to ovulate. Waiting for 7dpo. Waiting for spotting. I feel like I'm already out for this cycle too since my follow up will most likely be after 10 dpo so even if Dr. B did want to do anything about this issue my spotting will have already started. I'm not even going to pretend like it's not going to happen this cycle. I don't want to pretend that maybe this cycle will be different. My body is going to have to prove me wrong.
It's been happening since my first real cycle off BC. I thought that I was supposed to be starting my period since it appeared as though my cycles were going to be about 28-29 days after coming off of birth control. When I first noticed the spotting I thought it was implantation bleeding. I mean, why wouldn't it be? It was only our first cycle trying and I had every other pregnancy symptom in the book. So I thought it was implantation bleeding and actually knowing nothing about implantation bleeding I thought it would go away the next day, I'd take a pregnancy test a few days later and be on my merry way. Nope! It came back the next day and the next day. AND THE NEXT DAY! I started to think that something was seriously wrong with me (I thought I was dying, dramatic much?). After 5 days of this nonsense I was over it. My husband came home to me crying (ugly crying) on the couch one day, convinced that something was wrong and we couldn't have kids. I started my period the next day. I was never so relieved to start my period, and so embarrassed of being so dumb in my whole life.
After that cycle I decided that I would not be living in the world of waiting-to-see-what-happens. I immediately started charting and using OPK's. What a relief. So the next cycle, knowing that I've ovulated, enjoying my 2WW, 9dpo rolls around. Bam. Spotting. This time I think maybe, just maybe it could be implantation spotting because Google told me that implantation spotting is most likely to happen at 9dpo. It came back the next day.
Same story for cycle 3 of TTC. This time it started at 10dpo and that's where it's been ever since. I always trick myself into thinking that it's not going to happen yet it always shows up. Right. On. Time. After cycle 3 I emailed my doctor just to let her know it was happening and to see what her thoughts were. She wasn't overly concerned and thought it should go away over time.
I was really excited for cycle 4, this was the cycle of the sex-a-thon. 11 days. In a row. With that much sex, how can you not get pregnant? My test date - according to Fertility Friend - would be December 25th. So excited that I would get my BFP on Christmas morning!! No other gift would ever top this gift, I thought! December 20th started out like any other day. It was a Thursday, we were having our holiday luncheon at work, I felt like I was on top of my game because I'd completed my Christmas shopping already (normally it's not done until 12/24). Then I get to work and realize that my arch nemesis has arrived. I don't know why it got to me so much that cycle. I think I was starting to realize that it wasn't going to go away like my doctor suggested it might. I was really starting to feel like this wasn't normal. I struggled to make it through the work day and just started bawling as soon as I walked into my house. I ugly cried to my husband again. This is not good. He's so supportive and amazing and it's so embarrassing that I can't keep my shit together and just NOT ugly cry in front of him...over this.
So I emailed my doctor again just to let her know it was still going on. I asked if maybe there could be an issue with my progesterone levels (Google. Duh). Dr. B seemed concerned enough over this issue to want me to come in for some testing. She said to come in on CD21 to have my progesterone levels drawn. I mentioned to her that I don't ovulate on CD14 and asked if she wanted me to come in at 7dpo. She said that CD21 would be fine as long as I had ovulated by then. Hmm. So I go get my blood drawn (I'm only 3dpo) and get my results back the next day. 4.08. I make a follow up appointment with Dr. B. She says that my levels are low but they do indicate ovulation. I told her that I was only 3dpo when I had my blood drawn. She looks at my like I have 2 heads. I tell her that I normally ovulate between CD 16-19 and this time it just so happened to be on CD 18. She says, "Oh, no. That's too late. You probably ovulate on CD 14 or 15." I show her my charts. "Oh, you do ovulate later. Ok." So she says she'd like to see my progesterone levels higher but that since we did the testing too early she wants me to come in next cycle at 7dpo (she's trusting my charts now) and re-do it. I left feeling... ok... I was mad at myself for not communicating to her more strongly that I do ovulate later and that I should come in at 7dpo and not CD21. But, what's done is done. I'm relieved that I can get my blood drawn again and that I should have a more definitive answer this cycle. .
Oh, by the way, the spotting started at 10dpo on cycle 5 as well. And I ugly cried again.
So here we are at cycle 6. Waiting to ovulate. Waiting for 7dpo. Waiting for spotting. I feel like I'm already out for this cycle too since my follow up will most likely be after 10 dpo so even if Dr. B did want to do anything about this issue my spotting will have already started. I'm not even going to pretend like it's not going to happen this cycle. I don't want to pretend that maybe this cycle will be different. My body is going to have to prove me wrong.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Regrets?
I try to live my life positively, and without regrets so when my husband, Matt, asked me the other day if there was anything I regretted or wished we had done differently in our TTC journey so far I didn't want to admit that yes, there is something I regret, and I do wish we had done something differently. Just one thing though.
I wish that I had gone off of birth control a lot earlier than I did. It's so deeply ingrained into a person that if you go off birth control you're going to end up pregnant. Although I had an inkling that it wouldn't happen for Matt and I right away, we didn't want to chance it, we wanted to start trying in the fall and that was that. We decided after we got married that I would stay on birth control for the remainder of the summer. I would have one last summer of fun and Matt could relax knowing we wouldn't be having a baby before we truly planned.
Knowing what I know now, I would have gone off birth control the day after our wedding. I could have started charting in order to avoid and all would have been well. At the end of the day it truly wouldn't have been a big deal to either of us if we had gotten pregnant earlier than we planned. There was no rhyme or reason to staying on birth control, or trying to prevent. We had talked it over before we got married and decided that the fall would lead to a spring or summer baby and that's what we wanted. Turns out, when you are TTC it doesn't actually matter what season you have a baby. All that matters is that you have a baby.
So there you have it folks, my one regret over the last 9 months. :)
I wish that I had gone off of birth control a lot earlier than I did. It's so deeply ingrained into a person that if you go off birth control you're going to end up pregnant. Although I had an inkling that it wouldn't happen for Matt and I right away, we didn't want to chance it, we wanted to start trying in the fall and that was that. We decided after we got married that I would stay on birth control for the remainder of the summer. I would have one last summer of fun and Matt could relax knowing we wouldn't be having a baby before we truly planned.
Knowing what I know now, I would have gone off birth control the day after our wedding. I could have started charting in order to avoid and all would have been well. At the end of the day it truly wouldn't have been a big deal to either of us if we had gotten pregnant earlier than we planned. There was no rhyme or reason to staying on birth control, or trying to prevent. We had talked it over before we got married and decided that the fall would lead to a spring or summer baby and that's what we wanted. Turns out, when you are TTC it doesn't actually matter what season you have a baby. All that matters is that you have a baby.
So there you have it folks, my one regret over the last 9 months. :)
Sunday, January 27, 2013
And So It Begins...
I kept telling myself that I would start a blog if we made it to cycle 6 and weren't pregnant. We got married in May and decided we would start trying in the fall. "In the fall" turned into August (that's 'fall' enough, right?) because I think deep down I knew it wasn't going to happen for us right away which made me anxious. I just couldn't wait any longer and thankfully hubby was on board. I really wanted a spring/summer baby so we thought this was a good time to start.
I said before that I didn't think it would happen for us right away but I had hoped I was just telling myself that so that when it did happen right away I'd be really surprised. No such luck. With each passing month you can't help but feel like it's not going to happen and that something is definitely wrong because you don't know anyone (IRL) who had to try for more than 2 months to get pregnant. For the record, I know it's possible absolutely nothing is wrong, I'm just saying, this is what it feels like each month for me.
We decided I would stop using birth control in mid July and we would start trying in August. I've never been more excited for anything in my whole life. We are so ready to bring a life into this world and be the best parents. When it didn't happen that cycle I thought fine, how many people does it really happen for on the first try anyway?! We wanted to take the "just do it and see what happens approach" before we started using OPK's (Ovulation Predictor Kits) and charting my BBT (Basal Body Temperature). After the August cycle I decided that living in the world of waiting to see what happens just wasn't for me. I happily logged on to Amazon purchased some OPK's and a BBT. No more living in the world of the unknown.
I think some people are hesitant to start charting or using OPK's because they feel as though it may cause them more stress, who needs more stress during this crazy process? For me though, it doesn't stress me out. It actually makes me feel more at ease. I like knowing exactly when I can test, or when I am to expect my period (or not -hopefully), and also when I can expect the dreaded spotting to start (this deserves a post of it's own). I was obsessed with charting at first, checking my chart at random points during the day as if something might change without me inputting any new information. Hehe, I'm not like this anymore though I do find charting pretty interesting!
Our goal is to get so good at charting that I never have to go back on hormonal birth control ever again. So glad hubs agrees with this as well. I can't help but feel like maybe being on birth control has caused some of these issues I think I have (real or not real).
So here I am on CD 1 of cycle 6. Wishing & hoping & thinking & praying that maybe this is our lucky month and maybe just maybe this will turn into a pregnancy blog instead of a TTC blog. Fingers crossed.
I said before that I didn't think it would happen for us right away but I had hoped I was just telling myself that so that when it did happen right away I'd be really surprised. No such luck. With each passing month you can't help but feel like it's not going to happen and that something is definitely wrong because you don't know anyone (IRL) who had to try for more than 2 months to get pregnant. For the record, I know it's possible absolutely nothing is wrong, I'm just saying, this is what it feels like each month for me.
We decided I would stop using birth control in mid July and we would start trying in August. I've never been more excited for anything in my whole life. We are so ready to bring a life into this world and be the best parents. When it didn't happen that cycle I thought fine, how many people does it really happen for on the first try anyway?! We wanted to take the "just do it and see what happens approach" before we started using OPK's (Ovulation Predictor Kits) and charting my BBT (Basal Body Temperature). After the August cycle I decided that living in the world of waiting to see what happens just wasn't for me. I happily logged on to Amazon purchased some OPK's and a BBT. No more living in the world of the unknown.
I think some people are hesitant to start charting or using OPK's because they feel as though it may cause them more stress, who needs more stress during this crazy process? For me though, it doesn't stress me out. It actually makes me feel more at ease. I like knowing exactly when I can test, or when I am to expect my period (or not -hopefully), and also when I can expect the dreaded spotting to start (this deserves a post of it's own). I was obsessed with charting at first, checking my chart at random points during the day as if something might change without me inputting any new information. Hehe, I'm not like this anymore though I do find charting pretty interesting!
Our goal is to get so good at charting that I never have to go back on hormonal birth control ever again. So glad hubs agrees with this as well. I can't help but feel like maybe being on birth control has caused some of these issues I think I have (real or not real).
So here I am on CD 1 of cycle 6. Wishing & hoping & thinking & praying that maybe this is our lucky month and maybe just maybe this will turn into a pregnancy blog instead of a TTC blog. Fingers crossed.
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